Bread and Roses is 2! Five Reflections from 5 years in the therapist’s chair

Jul 26

This week has been a big one for celebrations and anniversaries in the practice – it marks two years since I set up Bread and Roses, three years since I qualified as a therapist, and nearly five years since I passed fitness to practice and first sat opposite someone who hoped I would listen and be able to support them.

I thought this was a great time to say a huge thank you to everyone who has played a part in my journey so far including supervisors, colleagues and trainers.

Most of all, this blog is written with deep gratitude towards all the exceptional people who have sat in the chair opposite me.

Here are five things I’ve learned about change with and from you.

1) It’s not always going to feel comfortable…but being uncomfortable is a sign that you are trying something new

Connecting with a counsellor or therapist is brave. I never forget how it feels for me to be in “that” chair. Do you realise how brave you really are?

It takes real courage to sit opposite a stranger and tell them about what’s happened to you, how you feel, and what makes you uniquely you. Humans are programmed to feel discomfort and to move away from it – our tricky brains try to convince us to remain in our comfort zone daily – so you’ve got to be ready to feel discomfort when you begin the process of counselling and stick with it when you hit the parts that feel “icky” or “gross” in your own life.

I’ve come to love it when I hear you say, “I’m not sure”, “I’m uncomfortable with that”, “I don’t want to talk about that yet”, “I was upset with something you said last time” or even “no”. Believe me when I say therapists really want to hear you say these things – after all, we are in the business of relationships and responding empathically to what you bring. When good therapists hear these things, we are curious, respectful, validate, explore, and work with you at your pace. This can help you understand your feelings about being uncomfortable in more detail and give you confidence to face difficulties in future.

Sometimes we can even experiment with skills and ways of thinking that might help you practice being uncomfortable, so it becomes less challenging.

It’s not always comfortable for us either, but that’s real relating. That’s what we strive for.

2) Your inner coach matters! (an unapologetic borrow from womens’ football)

Some of us have a strict coach. They mean well but they might not always be what we need.

Some of my clients know that I’m currently a bit obsessed by the Women’s’ Euros and whether England will get to the final (at the time of writing we just might…Come on England!). Aside from my appreciation of the skilled play, one thing I am here for is the lessons we can learn from the coaching. When Norway played England a couple of weeks ago, Norway made an error (don’t ask me what it was… I am no expert, just a fan!)…cut to their coach, and he’s shaking his head and yelling at the team. His disappointment and frustration were so obvious.

We can all get a bit like that with ourselves when things don’t go to plan. During the England-Austria game, the England coach was clearly nervous about how we were doing, but she never once yelled at the team. At the end, she congratulated everyone and smiled.

Which coach would you want to perform for? I know which one I would prefer…and I know that my own inner coach can sometimes be a bit more like the Norwegian one on that fateful day.

I believe that a good counsellor will help you in spotting places where you might attack yourself, and help you work out if and when that strategy is helpful…as well as how to practice being more patient, compassionate or supportive of yourself. It can also feel helpful to have a counsellor as a sort of coach, as you make changes, to be on your side and help you navigate. There is no shame in asking for, or needing support.

3) You are the expert in your own journey…and it takes as long as it takes

It’s a process - lets be open to where it goes…

I really wish I could tell you that after six sessions you will feel better, and everything will be back on track or resolved. In my own life, I thought that I would have six months of therapy ten years ago and then be “fixed”. The thing is, whatever is causing difficulties took time to get established, and the process of responding to that could and does take time…and deep down, I do not believe that you need to be fixed either.

It is an honour for me to walk with you on part of your journey – whether that is just for six sessions or on an ongoing basis. You might just dip into therapy or you might find it helpful on an ongoing basis. We are all different and all ways are valid.

You are the expert in your own journey and experience – nobody knows you better than you know yourself (though many of us have been told otherwise). When a good therapist collaborates with you, they believe that you know what is best, and that their role is to support you in working towards that.

As a therapist I tend to work in three ways with clients, depending on what you want – I can bring models, skills, and approaches to help you understand more of why you feel the way you do. We can explore things together, and I can support you as you work out what is best for you. We can work relationally – that means, we can see what happens within our therapeutic relationship and what clues this gives about how things show up in your everyday life.

However we work together, I do not get a vote in the choices you make – I believe that you genuinely know what’s best for you, which will include knowing when it is time for us to bring our working relationship to a close. You may go on to work with other therapists in future and my door will always be open to you.

4) Change might be about your body as well as your mind (and your soul)

Lets get holistic!

“Talking” therapies are changing and there is much more emphasis today on using different approaches that may support you – it’s not all about talking and thinking differently.

Many therapists who are Integrative will use the “mind-body” connection – this means we are interested in how these interact. I first became interested in this many years ago when I developed colitis (a gut condition) during a time of real stress. Working with a nutritionist helped me to develop resilience and better ways of managing stress.

As a therapist I am very interested in how we can “hack” the nervous system by using particular strategies and approaches to bring calm to the brain via the body. This includes using mindfulness, (self)-touch, and the natural environment.

I have also had the pleasure of working with a range of clients around their values, spirituality and beliefs and have seen first-hand how living in line with these can bring a sense of calm to their everyday. As an Integrative Therapist I believe in working holistically with you, based on your preferences. I have been lucky to work in really varied ways with clients in the past year - including being creative in sessions, working outdoors and introducing crystals, tarot, and games in sessions. What I’ve learned is that when we live our lives in ways that amplify and celebrate our unique weirdness, we give others permission to be themselves too. If you’re interested in working with me in future, I’d love to know what makes you tick and how we can reflect that in our work together.

5) The world is a complicated place – it’s not surprising that it feels hard to be certain right now.

It’s ok to be overwhelmed.

We are living in the most uncertain of times right now. The impacts of global warming, conflict, the pandemic, systemic oppression, and economic instability are showing up for us all. It is ok if things feel overwhelming and messages show up around how you “should” be showing up in your life.

Many of us have received messages about being too much, too different, or unacceptable in the past. Many of us have learned ways of coping that work…until they don’t…and then we might feel out of answers, just when we need them the most

When these things combine, it’s not surprising that some aspects of life feel difficult to manage. It’s ok to want support or feel you need help. Know that you don’t have to do it alone and that there is room for all of you, even the parts that feel confused and messy, to go at your own pace and in the direction that feels right for you.

I will be celebrating the two year anniversary of my affirmative practice with additional CPD with Gendered Intelligence in September. Please check back for five things I have learned about working affirmatively alongside trans and gender expansive people as an ally. I am looking forward to building on my existing training, increasing my knowledge and meeting colleagues.